


plan all your moves in advance

by Hirikka



Category: The Witcher (TV), Wiedźmin | The Witcher - All Media Types, Wiedźmin | The Witcher Series - Andrzej Sapkowski
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Modern with Magic, Alternate Universe - Vampire, Alternate Universe - What We Do in the Shadows fusion, Crack, Documentaries, Higher Vampire Jaskier | Dandelion, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-31
Updated: 2020-10-31
Packaged: 2021-03-09 03:26:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,458
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27307702
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hirikka/pseuds/Hirikka
Summary: “Are those swords?” a voice off camera asks, sounding slightly nervous.“No,” Geralt lies.“Why do you have swords?”Geralt sighs. “Why are you here?”—A What We Do in the Shadows AU—Jaskier, Priscilla, and Essi are vampire roommates, and Geralt has just moved into the house next door.
Relationships: Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia/Jaskier | Dandelion
Comments: 41
Kudos: 433





	plan all your moves in advance

“Is that a lute?”

The camera pulls back from Jaskier to show a young girl with pale blond hair.

“Yes?” Jaskier looks around, trying to figure out where the girl has come from.

“I’m moving in next door,” the girl supplies. “My name is Ciri.”

Jaskier puts his lute down and tugs on his teal doublet. “I’m Jaskier. It’s lovely to meet you.”

They hear a shout of Ciri’s name from the other side of the hedge maze that surrounds the house.

“I’ve got to go. See you later!” Ciri says, waving and then running into the hedge maze.

The camera pulls back to Jaskier.

“A new neighbor?” he muses. “That’ll be interesting.”

**

“The last neighbor we had…” Priscilla pauses, considering. She’s dressed in an elaborate rose-colored ball gown, decorated with flowery lace . “They moved probably 50 years ago, now?” She leans in towards the camera, flashing a grin that shows too many pointed teeth. “Said they heard weird sounds at odd hours.”

“They thought the house was haunted,” Essi offers. She’s wearing jeans and a flowered peasant shirt.

**

“Valdo says there’s a vampire hunter in the area,” Priscilla announces as she walks inside. She’s still wearing a ball gown, and she’s carrying a hurdy gurdy.

Jaskier makes a face and fake vomits.

“Well,” Essi says. “That’s honestly good. I wasn’t looking forward to having to go into the sewers to clear out those garkains”

“My thoughts exactly,” Priscilla says as she flops down onto the coach, putting her feet up on a stack of books.

**

“Worried about the vampire hunter?” Priscilla echoes, frowning. “Not really. Most of them are amateurs who’ve never even heard of a higher vampire.” She pauses for a moment. “And even if they have heard of us, we’re extremely hard to kill. I think the only ones who ever successfully killed a higher vampire were witchers, and they went extinct centuries ago.”

**

“ _Valdo_ Marx,” Jaskier says, glaring at the camera, “is a werewolf and a thief. He stole one of my songs and claimed he had written it. As if that hack could write anything half as good as my work.” He tilts his head, listening to a voice off camera. “There’s no real rivalry between werewolves and vampires; that’s a terribly human idea—that just because we are different, we must hate each other. No, no. I hate Valdo because he’s a terrible person, and also he gave me fleas.”

**

“Valdo and Jaskier dated for—” Essi pauses, counting something on her fingers “—7 years, plus a whole frenemies-with-benefits thing for another 31 years.” She sighs dramatically. “It was exhausting, honestly. And Valdo would get super territorial. Anyway, it’s been over for a while now.”

“Thank the gods,” Priscilla adds. “It was terribly tedious. Valdo shed so much.”

**

The doorbell rings. Essi and Jaskier play rock paper scissors to see who will answer it. Essi’s scissors beat Jaskier’s paper. Jaskier sighs and walks over to the front door, and it opens to reveal Ciri.

“Hi! I brought cookies,” Ciri says.

“Oh. Thank you?” Jaskier says.

Ciri tries to peer past him into the house.

“Isn’t it a little early to decorate for halloween?” she asks. The camera pans away to show the entry hall. The ceilings are draped in cobwebs, and there’s a suspiciously blood-like stain on the rug.

“No,” Jaskier says.

Ciri gives him a dubious look: It’s July. “Alright. Well…” She shrugs and turns to leave. “See you around.”

**

“Priscilla!” Jaskier screeches.

“What?”

“It’s your turn to clean the house!” Jaskier hisses.

Priscilla looks around. “And?”

“And it’s disgusting in here!”

“So?”

“So! You’re embarrassing me.”

“Oh my god. Is this about that kid?”

Jaskier hesitates for a minute. “No.”

Priscilla cackles all the way up to her room.

**

Jaskier is standing on the porch of the house next door, shifting uncomfortably and holding the platter that Ciri had used for the cookies the other day.

“Should I have brought something?” Jaskier mutters. “I should have brought something.” He turns to walk away, but the door swings open. Jaskier turns, and his jaw drops open. The camera zooms closer to the man who opened the door: He is movie-star handsome, with long white hair.

“Wow,” Jaskier breaths.

“Hm,” the man says. His gaze shifts from Jaskier to the camera, and it goes shaky for a moment as the camera man stumbles backwards, presumably frightened by the man’s yellow, cat-like eyes.

“I brought your plate back!” Jaskier chirps, regaining his composure. “I really appreciated them…” He trails off, clearly hoping for a name. The man gives him an assessing look before reaching out to take the plate. He hums again and then retreats inside, closing the door on Jaskier.

Jaskier turns to look at the camera with a dreamy expression. “I’m in love.”

**

“Where are you going?” Essi asks.

Jaskier has been fussing over his hair for twenty minutes. He’s dressed in a golden doublet and matching pants.

“None of your business,” Jaskier says. “How does my hair look?”

“He’s going on a date with the neighbor,” Priscilla announces. “Your hair looks flat.”

“Priscilla!” Jaskier gasps. “Help me fix it!”

“Don’t listen to her,” Essi sighs. “You look fine. Stop fussing and go; it’s exhausting watching you.”

**

Jaskier is holding a bouquet: variegated tulips, tuberose, jonquil, and green locust.

“The flowers represent ‘beautiful eyes,’ ‘dangerous pleasures,’ ‘I desire a return of affections,’ and ‘affection beyond the grave.’” He winks at the camera. “Vampires aren’t actually undead, but I don’t think he’ll know what they mean, anyway; the Victorian flower language is sadly no longer in fashion, but I still like it. So.”

**

Ciri answers the door when Jaskier knocks. “What’s up with the cameras?”

Jaskier looks back at the camera. “Ah, it’s for a documentary?”

“About what?” Ciri asks.

Jaskier looks to the camera for help. “My band?”

“Oh!” Ciri says. “That’s cool. What are you called?”

“The Amazing Devils,” Jaskier says.

**

“Essi, Priscilla, and I really did have a band for a while,” Jaskier says. “We haven’t played in a while—cameras make things so much more complicated.”

**

“The last time The Amazing Devils played was 60 years ago,” Ciri says, frowning at her phone. She holds up a grainy black and white photo. It’s not great quality, but as the camera zooms in closer, it is clear that Jaskier is one of the figures in the picture.

**

Jaskier returns from the date as the sun is starting to set. He has a single daisy tucked behind his ear.

“A wild daisy means ‘I will think of it,’” Jaskier reports. “I think he might like me back!”

**

The camera takes in Geralt standing in the doorway, looking irritated. The view dips down towards an umbrella stand by the door, which contains two large swords and no umbrellas.

“Are those swords?” a voice off camera asks, sounding slightly nervous.

“No,” Geralt lies.

“Why do you have swords?”

Geralt sighs. “Why are you _here_?”

**

“Geralt doesn’t date much,” Ciri says to the camera. “I don’t remember the last time I saw him interested in someone.”

“Hm.” Geralt doesn’t look at the camera.

“It was definitely before he adopted me,” Ciri continues. “He used to date Yennefer, but she said that was, oh, a few decades ago. And he hasn’t really seen anyone since then.”

Ciri tilts her head, listening to a question spoken off-camera. “Yennefer? She’s uh…” Ciri hesitates. “A sorceress.” She waits for a moment. “Huh, I thought you would try to argue that magic isn’t real. Most people do.”

“Ciri.” Geralt’s voice is the same flat tone, but it seems to signal something because she sighs dramatically.

“I have to go finish my homework.” She leaves the room. The camera pans over to Geralt. He glowers at it, and the shot cuts off.

**

The camera follows several yards back as Jaskier and Geralt walk through a park, close enough that their hands brush occasionally. The next time it happens, Jaskier catches Geralt’s hand and laces their fingers together. Geralt freezes. The camera zooms in but is too far back to pick up what they are saying. Jaskier looks nervous—afraid he has overstepped—but Geralt uses their interlocked hands to pull Jaskier closer—into a kiss.

**

Jaskier bounces in place. “I know it’s early, but I’m pretty sure I’m _actually_ in love.”

**

“Hm,” Geralt says.

**

“Are you really dating a human?” The camera focuses on a man who’s giving Jaskier a judgmental look. He’s wearing a plaid flannel and has shaggy brown hair..

“What— no— How dare y—” Jaskier stumbles over his words. “How did you even find out about that?”

“Does that matter?” the man asks.

“Ooh,” Essi whispers. The camera moves to her for a moment. “That’s Valdo.”

“Yes!” Jaskier snaps. “Because if you were following me again—”

“Julian,” Valdo says, trying to sound soothing. “You are just going to get hurt dating a human.”

“Werewolves aren’t immortal,” Essi explains, still whispering, “but they do live much longer than humans.”

“Well, that’s my decision to make!” Jaskier hisses. “And if I catch you following me again, you are going to regret it.” He bares his fangs, transforms into a magpie, and flies away.

**

“No, humans cannot be turned into vampires. I’m not sure where that idea came from,” Priscilla says. “We’re technically not the same species; it just doesn’t work like it does in the moving pictures.” A pause as someone prompts her. “Ah, yes, Jaskier tends to fall in love too easily. He’s dated humans before. It always ends up breaking his heart, but he claims that it's worth it.”

**

Jaskier is laying on the floor.

“Jask?” Essi says.

“Leave me here to die,” Jaskier says.

“You can’t die,” Essi reminds him.

“Uhg!” Jaskier groans. “Don’t remind me!”

“What’s wrong with you?” Essi asks. She nudges him with her foot.

“You would kick me when I’m suffering? Oh how cruel you are!” Jaskier wails.

“The neighbor broke up with him,” Priscilla says as she walks into the room. She steps across Jaskier on her way to the fridge. “I’m not sure why he’s being so dramatic; they had only been on like, two dates.”

“It was true love!” Jaskier gasps.

“Oh, poor baby,” Essi says.

Jaskier squints up at her, trying to decide if she’s being sincere.

**

Geralt crosses his arms, looking deeply uncomfortable about speaking. “I do like Jaskier. It’s just. Our lives are too different. I can’t—” He cuts himself off, frowning at the ground. “I don’t want to get attached… just to lose him later.”

Something indistinct is said off-camera, but Geralt just glares. “Why are you even bothering to interview me?”

**

A woman walks by the house with Ciri. She’s wearing a black dress and has long, dark hair. She turns to regard the camera with interest; her eyes are bright purple.

“What’s this?” she asks.

Ciri glances over with a frown. “They’re doing a documentary about the band that lives next door to us.”

Yen raises one perfect eyebrow. “Oh?”

Ciri tugs on Yen’s arm, trying to get her to continue walking. “One of them is Jaskier.”

“The Jaskier that your father broke up with?” Yen asks.

“Yes,” Ciri mutters.

“Because he didn’t want to date a human?” Yen presses. The camera zooms in closer to catch the speculative look Yennefer is giving the house.

“Yes,” Ciri agrees.

Yen giggles. “Your father is an idiot.”

With that, she allows Ciri to lead her past the house.

**

A bat flutters into the room where Jaskier and Priscilla are lounging. It transforms into Essi, who looks wide-eyed and out of breath.

“It’s not a vampire hunter!” Essi pants. “It’s a _witcher_.”

“What?” Priscilla asks. “I thought there weren’t any left?”

“Well, apparently there’s at least one, and he’s been seen around town.”

“Fuck. What if he finds us?” Priscilla asks.

“I don’t know! Maybe he’ll leave us alone?” Essi says. “I mean, I don’t think he could kill all of us by himself, but I don’t want to find out if they’ve gotten better over the years.”

“Jask?” Priscilla asks.

Jaskier seems to have frozen in place, eyes wide.

“Jaskier? Are you alright?” Essi reaches out to touch Jaskier’s shoulder. He startles, jumping to his feet.

“How do I look?” he asks.

“What?”

“I need to go and yell at my ex, and I want to make sure I look hot,” Jaskier explains.

“What,” Priscilla says.

“Yeah, you look fine,” Essi tells him.

“Good enough.” Jaskier stomps to the door. The camera follows him as he storms in the direction of Geralt’s house. It pans around to show Essi and Priscilla both standing in the doorway.

“Should we follow him?” Essi asks.

“Eh, he’ll be fine,” Priscilla says.

**

Jaskier knocks on the door and then steps back, trying and failing to look cool and nonchalant.

Geralt looks unhappy as he opens the door. Dark circles under his eyes suggest that he hasn’t been sleeping. “Jaskier?”

“You’re a witcher!” Jaskier snaps, dropping any pretense of calm.

Geralt tenses, looking warily between Jaskier and the camera.

“When you said our lives were ‘too different,’ what did you mean?” Jaskier presses.

Geralt slumps, looking defeated. “Jask. I’m sorry. I just—” he rubs at the back of his head “—I can’t. You’re _mortal._ ”

Jaskier giggles. “I’m not, you absolute dummy.”

Geralt frowns.

Jaskier reaches out and takes Geralt’s hand. “I’m a higher vampire, Geralt; I’m not going anywhere.”

Geralt’s eyes go wide. He looks at the camera for a moment and then uses their clasped hands to pull Jaskier inside and slams the door shut behind them. The camera stays on the closed door for a long moment before cutting away.

**

“I’m moving out!” Jaskier announces. He looks thoroughly debauched; his hair is in disarray, and his buttons aren’t done up right.

“What?” Essi pokes her head out of her room.

Jaskier nods, picking up his lute. “I’ll be back for the rest of my stuff… sometime.”

“What is happening?” Priscilla asks.

“I’m moving in with Geralt.”

“What?” Essi asks.

“You’ve been on two dates!” Priscilla points out. “And he dumped you after the second one!”

Jaskier waves a hand. “He thought I was going to get old and die on him. Perfectly normal misunderstanding.”

He receives matching confused looks.

“He’s the witcher, so we don’t have to worry about that. Now, I need to go. Ciri is at her mom’s house for the week, and I plan to make the most of that time.” He gives a meaningful grin and darts back out the door.

“Oh my god,” Priscilla mutters. “Good for him.”

**

Geralt holds the door open for Jaskier. He looks directly into the camera as he shuts the door. The click of the lock is audible.

**Author's Note:**

> This was written for Geraskier Hallow Vampire + Modern Day!
> 
> Come say hi on [tumblr](https://hirikka.tumblr.com/)!


End file.
